


Fading Fears

by di93



Series: Inquisitorial Enigma [16]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: M/M, Nightmares, Post-Dragon Age: Inquisition Quest - Here Lies the Abyss, both the spider kind and the sleep kind, snuggles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-09 16:38:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19890991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/di93/pseuds/di93
Summary: To both of their surprise, Dorian and Kaaras both made it out of the Fade alive and with their minds intact, but the experience continues to haunt them both.





	Fading Fears

Kaaras wanted to either go hunting or listen to Dorian’s voice once the day’s War Room meetings were finished. They had finally made it back from Adamant, the Wardens were under the control of the Inquisition, and Kaaras hadn’t slept for more than a couple hours at a time since escaping the Fade. Again. And since there was very little wildlife to speak of in Skyhold’s vicinity, he headed up to the library, ignoring Solas’s disapproving stare—the man had already made his opinion about Kaaras’s decision in regards to the mages abundantly clear during the trek back—and approached Dorian. 

“You have remarkably little here on early Tevinter history,” Dorian started the moment he saw Kaaras approach. “All these gifts to the Inquisition and the best they can do is the Malefica Imperio? Trite propaganda. But if you want twenty volumes on whether Divine Galatea took a shit on Sunday, this is evidently the place to find it,” he said, tossing another copy of Swords and Shields out of the Ancient History of Thedas section. Honestly, Dorian was starting to wonder if someone was making a mess of the organizational system on purpose. If he did ever find out who was mucking it all up, they would be sure to find themselves on the receiving end of his Horror spells. 

“That’s the Dorian I know: critiquing every book in the library,” Kaaras replied, wearing the first ghost of a smile since Adamant. 

“I wouldn’t have to if you could find some rebellious heretic archivist to join the cause.” 

“Are there rebellious archivists? Other than you, that is,” Kaaras asked, but he was already thinking about heading up to see Leliana to ask if she could find someone that would be helpful to the Inquisition. If not Leliana, then perhaps Josephine would know someone—or know someone who would know someone. 

“If Corypheus ever starts burning masterworks of literature, I’m sure a few will pop up… Did I see something by Genitivi here? I could have sworn,” Dorian replied as he turned back towards the bookshelves, and Kaaras frowned, tilting his head as he tried to read Dorian’s expression. 

“What’s this about, Dorian?” Kaaras asked quietly. He hadn’t seen him since Adamant, not really. His duties as the Inquisitor had kept him busy except for sleep, and even then… Well, now he was worried that he should have properly checked in with Dorian sooner. 

“When we fell into the chasm, into the Fade… I thought you were done for. I don’t know if I can forgive you for that moment,” he said with a shake of his head, and Kaaras’s chest constricted. 

“I’m sorry that you had to go through all of that too,” Kaaras apologized, but Dorian shook his head again. 

“I’m not sorry I was there with you. I thought I lost you,” Dorian said, and Kaaras frowned. “You sent me ahead and then didn’t follow. For just a moment, I was certain you wouldn’t. I thought: ‘This is it. This is where I finally lose him forever,’” Dorian explained, and Kaaras didn’t know if he should have felt happy or guilty, but he was about to ask if he could kiss Dorian either way, but the other man beat him to it. “Are you… all right?” 

“I’m f—”Kaaras started to reassure Dorian, but then shook his head. “Anything but fine.” 

“Ah, it’s as I thought. The Fade is an ordeal under normal circumstances. To be the only real thing there? Beyond description. That any of us made it out alive is difficult to believe,” Dorian replied, and Kaaras had to look away for a moment, trying not to think about having to leave Stroud behind with that… “That you made it out? A miracle. You do realize this feat hasn’t been performed in over a thousand years. Corypheus and his contemporaries entered the Fade and began the Blights. In comparison…” 

“That’s not exactly comforting, you know.” 

“Nor should it be. If you can walk in the Fade, others will try to follow. Who knows what secrets Corypheus has revealed? Not all of them will be as lucky as you. What they could unleash… My advice? Keep this quiet, let them speculate. Too many will see this as a challenge,” he said, and Kaaras sighed. 

“Couldn’t letting them come up with their own theories just make it worse? We both know how rumors can grow, after all.” 

“That’s a fair point. Although rumors about an evil Tevinter magister sleeping with the Qunari mage Inquisitor generally don’t result in people breaking open the Veil, entering the Fade and starting the Blight.” 

“Instead it’s just rumors about a Qunari walking out of the Fade with Andraste behind him and then using the power of faith to gain influence and raise armies to fight ancient magisters.” 

“So, what? You tell people exactly what it happened? Do a propaganda campaign of how absolutely terrible it is to wander around a Fear demon’s territory?” 

“I don’t really see what other options I have unless I wanted to string people up for talking about it, and I have a feeling that wouldn’t do any good. Maybe if the tales about Andraste were less tales and more documented histories... I don’t know,” Kaaras finished with a sigh which Dorian echoed. 

“I’m afraid that I don’t either. Perhaps it’s best left to discuss with Leliana, but there is something that I can do to help, if you could find a way to get something for me.” 

“Name it.” 

“A copy of the Liberalum. I’ll wager I can find Corypheus’s real name. If I can prove he was a grasping ankle-biter with no family to speak of? The luster would come right off.” 

“I’ll see what I can do.” 

“Good, I’ll write up something official later for you so that you can discuss it with your advisors. But enough of that for now. You’re done for the day, yes? Shall we off to the kitchens to find whatever edible scraps remain?” 

“I can have something sent up to my room, if you’d rather?” 

“Oh? Has the Inquisitor finally learned to use his power for his own personal gains? I daresay that I feel proud,” Dorian replied as they headed down the steps, and Kaaras gave a small laugh. 

“Well if you prefer eating in the kitchens, I don’t mind.” 

“And pass up a rare opportunity for a somewhat decent meal? I should think not,” Dorian scoffed, and Kaaras nodded and asked the first worker he came across to arrange for dinner to be sent up to his room before heading there himself with Dorian leading the way. 

As soon as the door shut behind them, Kaaras, reached out and grabbed Dorian’s hand, stopping him from going any further. Dorian turned and looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. 

“Can I hug you?” 

Dorian nodded and immediately found himself wrapped up in the other man’s arms, clinging onto him tightly. “You don’t have to keep asking, you know,” Dorian said eventually as he ran a hand up and down the man’s neck, hoping to soothe him. 

“I’d prefer to ask.” 

“And why is that?” 

“So that you can say no, if you would rather.” 

“I sincerely doubt that there could be a situation in which I would prefer you not hug me.” 

“I know, but it’s comforting when you say yes,” Kaaras replied, and then Dorian finally pulled back just a little to look into his face. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“I can’t sleep. Not since… Every time I try I just see,” Kaaras shivered and shook his head, making Dorian all the more concerned. He glanced back and spotted the sofa just a few paces away and slid his hands down Kaaras’s arms to grab his hands and pull them off his waist, before leading him to the sofa. 

“Come. Talk to me. It only becomes more frightening if you keep it to yourself,” Dorian coaxed as they sat. 

“In the Fade, Hawke said she saw spiders, right?” 

“What did you see?” Dorian asked, and Kaaras cringed. 

“Corpses.” 

“You’ve handled plenty of corpses without issue before. What was different?” 

“They… I knew them. I saw the Valo-Kas. Cassandra, Varric, Blackwall… you,” he managed eventually, and Dorian sighed running his thumb across the scar on Kaaras’s cheek. 

“It’s alright. We’re all alright.” 

“I know.” 

“But you’ve been dreaming about it?” 

“In the nightmares, sometimes it’s the world that we saw at Redcliffe. That I failed. Sometimes I see your corpses being mined for red lyrium. Sometimes you’re yelling at me, blaming me for what happened. Sometimes you’re the one who stayed behind in the Fade. Sometimes we wander the fade until we starve or—Before, heard my victims die. I could smell it. But I never had to see it. I never had to watch the light leave their eyes. I didn’t have to see the fear in their faces. The hate. I think it was easier before, when I was bound. I didn’t—” 

“Hush, Amatus,” Dorian cut Kaaras off as his expression soured further, but then he stilled, hoping that Kaaras wouldn’t notice the term. 

“Amatus?” Kaaras asked, with a quirk of his head, and Dorian looked away. 

“It’s… a term of endearment,” he replied, and Kaaras smiled before resting his forehead against the side of Dorian’s head. 

“Can I kiss you?” 

“I suppose,” Dorian said with a put-upon sigh, though it was more out of embarrassment than anything. Kaaras kissed him for a moment before peppering Dorian’s face with smaller pecks. “I take it that you like it, then?” 

“Very much.” 

“You know, I have noticed that you don’t seem to care what people call you, even if you don’t believe you’re the Herald,” Dorian commented leadingly, and Kaaras shrugged even as he kept smiling at the new name. 

“Under the Qun, people don’t have names.” 

“So how did you get yours, then?” 

“When I escaped… well, Adaar seemed appropriate enough. So that’s what I started calling myself.” 

“What does it mean?” 

“Canon, sort of. Literally, it means ‘fire thrower.’” 

“That’s what you named yourself? You couldn’t have picked something nicer? Sky, perhaps? Tree? Cave, even?” Dorian suggested, and Kaaras gave a half-hearted laugh. 

“Well, up to that point, all I knew was being a weapon. I knew nothing else, so it just made sense. Under the Qun, our names are just what we are. A fisherman’s name would be fisherman. I only knew how to be a weapon, so it seemed appropriate.” 

“So then how did Kaaras come about?” 

“That’s what Shokrakar started to call me after she heard about how I got involved with the slavers.” 

“What’s it mean?” 

“Navigator.” 

“Well, that seems far more appropriate.” 

“You think?” 

“Leading captured elves back to their clans? Guiding the Inquisition? Steering the course of history? Scouting out Skyhold? I’d say it fits rather well.” 

“Skyhold was Solas’s doing. I think he just had me walk ahead of everyone because I cut a better path through the snow, being bigger than almost everyone and all,” he replied and Dorian laughed. 

“So what do you think it should be? ‘Snow Destroyer’? Although, I have to admit that it would fit rather well. You did manage to survive an avalanche.” 

“There isn’t a Qunlat word for snow. Most people in Par Vollen wouldn’t have any idea what it is since it’s so hot.” 

“I suppose not everything about Par Vollen could be absolutely terrible,” Dorian mused, and Kaaras gave a small laugh. 

“I don’t know. The weather’s not so bad down here.” 

“I’ll never understand you.” 

“Can I kiss you anyway?” 

“If you’re so inclined,” Dorian replied, and Kaaras pulled Dorian onto his lap so that he could kiss him more easily, holding him close and nuzzling his face into the mage’s neck after, being mindful of his metallic horns. 

“Feeling any better?” Dorian asked as he ran his hand up and down the back of Kaaras’s neck, scratching gently as he did. Kaaras didn’t respond, but held Dorian slightly closer. There was little that would really make Kaaras feel better with everything that had happened but the nightmares were less sharp, at least. “How long have you been having these nightmares, exactly?” Dorian asked after a while. He hesitated to bring it back up, but he wasn’t sure how to help. 

“Ever since I escaped, I had nightmares about being recaptured or about people I’d helped dying to protect me or about the mercenary groups I worked with getting killed because of me. Since Redcliffe, I’ve had nightmares about that future. I’d gotten used to the others, but being in the Fade again, remembering both times now… It’s just harder.” Of course, Dorian thought, it made sense that being in the Fade twice would make already bad nightmares at least twice as bad. 

“Do you think it would help if I stayed tonight?” 

“Would you?” Kaaras asked hopefully, and Dorian gave him a little smirk. 

“I think I could be persuaded,” Dorian replied before rising up to kiss him. Kaaras pulled Dorian close and kissed him desperately. Their dinners eventually came and they ate and read through the day’s reports, all while sticking close to each other on the couch, but eventually the work finished, and Dorian lured the Inquisitor to bed, and when they finally went to sleep, they both slept better than they had since Adamant.


End file.
